This page is mainly for my own cogitation, or at least those that I am willing to share. Whilst the other esoteric stuff are stored elsewhere. You've reached this page either because you're: 1) bored and clicking all the links that you could click, helps you kill the time (I guess); OR 2) just flat out curious about what I'm up to; OR 3) a hater who constantly stalks me (lmao! Why the need? Get busy refining your own miserable life!); OR 4) a reader, who loves to read anything under the sun (or moon); OR 5) just a passerby. Whichever category befits you well, let me start by saying: "Hi there! Hope you enjoy reading the colorful sundries of my mind." :))
Anyway, whatever you read here, I say you read them at your own risk! Mumbling to your friggin self or to whomever, saying: "I wrote this or I said that", won't change a thing. For one, I didn't lead you here by coercion. You visited my site out of your own volition. Second, this page is MINE, ergo I shall not restrict myself in my own page. Third, whether or not we know each other, personally or in the alternative, you cannot restrain the freedom of my mind. So, read if you must. Otherwise, press that cute little "x" symbol on top of this page and irk me not.
I've always loved writing. During the pre-historic era, when blogging wasn't the dernier cri, I've kept a few journals and the like just to diffuse whatever's on my mind. Whenever I write, I learn at the same time. It's weird, yes. But it liberates me, all the time.. all the time. Nowadays, under the regime of the world-wide-web, writing, or blogging to be exact, makes us more puissant because we now have the power to reach out to others and share our thoughts (at least those that we wanna share). Albeit sometimes, I kinda miss those that are hand-written. I miss my stationeries and stickers and those metallic colored pens. Some things are still best written the old fashioned way (I mean not too old. I don't know how to use feather and ink. LOL!). I shall end this intro with an absolutely sublime quote from Anais Nin:
Sunday, November 5, 2017
I would presume that you've read the message conveyed by the photo above. If not, please read it before you proceed. Done? Good. Now we can begin. That is one of my favorites from F. Scott Fitzgerald, by the way. I live by it.
Yes, I am married, as the title says (in french). I honestly thought I never would.. not because I didn't want to but because I just didn't wanna settle with just whomever for the sake of getting married. I am not ashamed to say that I was born out of wedlock. So when I was young, my mother would always tell me this: "I don't want you to be like me". Basically what she meant was she didn't want me to get pregnant at a very young age - unmarried. She was carrying a child when she was 15.. That child was me. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against it. I mean if it happens, it happens but 15 was not really an ideal age for having a baby, esp. during her era when people were not as open-minded as we are now. Still, 15 is too young. That's an indisputable fact. Hence, I had this rule when I was growing up: I will not get married until I see myself being with that person for a long long time. I will not settle with just anybody who comes my way because at the end of the day, I will be the one living under the same roof with that person. I will be the one winding up miserable.. or happy. It will be me, myself, and I.. Not my friends, not my family or some outsider but ME. Don't get me wrong again, I have nothing against single mothers or fathers. I grew up living with my mom, grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was more than enough for me. I remember my friends kept on telling me: "Get married! Time is running out." I swear I've heard it a thousand times. I didn't budge. Why? Because aside from entrusting it to God, I, sans equivocation, believed in what F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote. Like I said, I live by it. I believed that nothing is ever too late. I had faith that there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). I still hold on to F. Scott Fitzgerald's words until now. The journey is not over yet. I just wanted to tell you why I wasn't wobbled by what other people kept on telling me about getting married and all. Actually, I even had that notion that if I wouldn't meet anyone that I can see myself having a family with, I'd rather stay single. I swear. I seriously entertained that thought. I mean, I'd rather be with myself than be with someone whom I can't see a future with. Besides, marriage is a choice. Some don't want it while others do.. Some are in the middle of the road while some just go with the flow.. Some believe in it's sanctity whilst others believe it's just a piece of paper. If it happens, good. If it doesn't good. It's not something that one has to aspire for. True, we have goals or wishes or desires. A girl can dream, right? To have a garden wedding or get married on the beach then have that amazing honeymoon in Paris or wherever. I'm not saying you're not allowed to hope on getting married someday. All I'm saying is, it's not a target that you "have" to hit.
It pays to take your time, ladies and gents. Don't worry about not getting married even if you're already at a certain type of age. I've seen some of my friends, classmates, cousins and other people get married and had kids but I was neither desperate nor alarmed. It's better to listen to what your heart truly wants rather than act upon something just so you can live up to the hype. Trust me, I used to be a non-believer of destiny. I've always been this "You make your own destiny" kind of girl. In the years that I have lived, which isn't that long, I know, I've realized one thing: There are just some things in life that you can't control. There is a Prime Mover. In some things, He lets us choose. Other things, He chooses for us because He knows what's best for us. I don't regret not listening to other people and their opinion about marriage and all that "Time is running out" crap. Nothing is ever too late. We can have all our dreams come true, regardless of age, if we keep on believing and if we act on what we believe in. Of course, we also have to help ourselves. If it doesn't pan out the way we wanted it to, then maybe it wasn't really for us. Move on. Don't stop. Don't ever quit on yourself. The best is yet to come. If you don't believe in that, then what else is there to look forward to? Besides, isn't that how it's supposed to be? To get better and better, even in the grand scheme of things? No one wants to be trapped. No one wants to be stagnant. I mean look at yourself now.. Aren't you way better than the past you? Think about it.. because you are. You have definitely leveled up. If not, shouldn't you do something about it?
A friend of mine always told me: "Don't settle." It bothered the both of us as to why other people (esp. girls) were so engulfed by this age-and-marriage combo. I won't lie, I also had a cameo of that so-called "dilemma" when I was younger. The difference is that I wasn't obsessing over it like some other girls do. I mean, I don't know. As I've said, I've always believed that there is no time limit to be who or what you wanna be and the same rule applies to marriage. So chill. Do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. If you're with someone and you have that "this is not who I wanna spend the rest of my life with" feeling, then don't force it. Sometimes, we get pressured too by what other people say and the stubborn side of us comes to light -- we don't want to hear people tell us: "See? I told you from the very start!" or something to that effect. So we tend to cling on to that person whom we already know we don't deserve. Just to prove that we are right. Even if we already know that we are bound to a lifetime of melancholy if we stay with that person. I mean, you can tell. I could. Your heart misleads you sometimes but deep inside, you know what you are worthy of and what you aren't. It's best if you pray for it and ask for God's guidance. He'll show you the way. He led me to him. Aside from that, I honestly didn't even expect that I'd experience the "kneeling down on his knee and asking me to marry him" scenario. I wishfully thought about it when I was younger.. You know a girl's typical daydream. Then it happened to me. I mean, right now, I sometimes can't believe where I'm at and how magical this year has been to me. God is just THE BEST!
I got married last September 8, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. How and where my husband I met is for another cup of coffee. I already had enough caffeine for today.
And.. Yes, I see myself being with him until forever.
Monday, May 26, 2014
This is something that I never thought I'd write about at this point in my life. For one, it's too highschoolish. Second, it's reaaaaalllyy way too highschoolish, more so gradeschoolish. I mean, way back in highschool, we have certain pacts or what not that we make with our friends, like hang out every Saturday or whatever. As we grow, which is actually dependent on one's frame of mind, we begin to have other priorities. But that doesn't mean we've forgotten. It's just that, things become different. And some things, whether we like it or not, can't and will never remain the same.
FRIEND. Noun. : a person who you like and enjoy being with
: a person who helps or supports someone or something
That's how dear Merriam defines it. But in reality though, how do you define a FRIEND or FRIENDSHIP for that matter? Is it defined by constant togetherness? Do you become a bad friend if you aren't there when they ask you to hang out with them? Do you become a perfidious friend if you found new friends along the way, in this inevitable journey called LIFE? In the alternative, are you a great friend if you're always present in every outing? Do you become the bestest of friend if you're always there without missing even every single breath that your friend takes? Do you become a forever friend if you are able to accompany your friend anywhere they wanna be? Do you become a perfect friend if you always yield to what they want you to do? Consequently, it makes me curious: Does "Time" go hand in hand with Friendship? Yes?
In my world, friendship, as I see it, is a meeting of two souls. It surpasses longevity. It goes beyond the confines of togetherness. That even if you do not see your friend as often as you used to or as much as you'd want to, you trust that the strength of your bond remains untarnished by Time. Because there is faith. Because there is love. You do not think for your friend but you allow your friend to make his own choices in life. You allow your friend to grow on his own because there are times that he needs to see life as it is and not as you want it to be. That even if you have your own opinions about something, you tell that to your friend but you don't impose it. You do this because there is respect. You do this because you are a friend.
I don't see friendship as real or fake because all friendships are true. If it isn't real then there's no friendship at all. I laugh at people telling me fake friends are like this whilst true friends are like that.. Damn it, right? You don't call fake people "friends" for the love of God.
Deviating from the superficial, I'd rather have a friend who isn't there most of the time but in his heart he wishes me well, prays for my well-being and be the first one to clap in my triumphs. It doesn't matter if he's with me all the time. I don't need people who are always, physically, there for me but when things happen opposite of what they want me to do, they begin to define or criticize me. Lecturing me of what kind of a friend I am. Counting the things that they have done for me. Saying I wasn't there when they needed me. Itemizing the times when they were able to sacrifice this and that in the name of "Friendship" hence why couldn't I do the same mumbo jumbo kind of crap. Telling me how I've changed since I've met this or that. Comparing this to that. Bullcrap! All bull! I don't see the sincerity. I don't see the love. The moment you enumerated those things to me, you defined who you are at the most. For one, we don't live the same lives so that explains the difference. Second, life is not static. Hence, changes are necessary. It doesn't mean that the core changed. The habit maybe. Say for example, my friend has his own family and he isn't there all the time because he has other priorities every now and then. And what, that becomes practically understandable? Yes? Because he has a family already, right? But what if my other friend, who doesn't have a family of his own also can't be there most of the time, does it make him a lesser friend than the former? Then you'll say, but the scenario is different! Different my ass. The facts are slightly nonidentical but the thought is the same. It's about "making time for a friend" right? Hmmm. Maybe you're not that open-minded. As my friend always tells me: "It's double-standard!". Or let me put it this way, what if You can't make it most of the time, and your friends would start turning their back on you, just because they don't get to spend time with you. What would you feel? Oh wait, you're excused right? They'd understand, correct? Because luckily, some of your friends are not like you. At the back of your mind, you might be saying, I don't want all of your time, just a moment of it or maybe you'd say, "I have other friends but I chose to be with you. Why couldn't you squeeze in even just a moment of your time?". Well, I would say, "Thank you!" but what if I really can't make it? "Maybe some other time or let's set a different date".. and then you'd see a photo of me with some other friends having fun. It's awful right? It sucks. But there are reasons behind the choices that people make. Sometimes, we don't even know the reasons yet and we react like hell went loose and all.
People. They tell you you've changed if you've stopped living your life their way or the way they're used to. I'd rather have a friend that, I know, even if we don't see each other that often, our souls talk. Our souls concatenate. That by the time we see each other again, it seems like we just saw each other yesterday.. And laugh over things and memories that we've talked about over and over again without getting tired of it. We don't NEED friends because they are not material things. We HAVE friends because they are God's gift to us. Ergo, we don't demand and try to control them as if we own them. Otherwise it becomes an obligation and friendship isn't like that. We HAVE friends because of this correlative feeling that we DESERVE each of the other and not because we are REQUIRED to be together.
A friend doesn't get swayed by the dishevelment of the wind. A friend stands on firm and fair ground. A friend stands still.. unshaken. A friend listens to his heart not to the charivari of the mad. A friend knows better. A friend is a friend. Period.
I feel so blessed having friends in my life. I have a bestfriend that I haven't seen since almost forever but when we see each other it's seems like we've just seen each other the other day. We both aren't insecure if we find new friends in the interim because we know what and who we are to each other. In fact, it's nice to know that my bestfriend has other friends that she can spend her time with. Like I said, friends are God's blessings. We both understand that, if it's a NO, it's a NO, absent thorough explanation because there is no need to, in the first place. I wasn't there on her wedding day, it was sad, but did our friendship end? When I feel all alone here in the Metro and I miss my family and my bestfriend and she couldn't be here, did I despise her for being absent? Even at those times when I needed her the most and vice versa? No. We rarely talk. We don't demand time because friendship isn't about time and constant togetherness. Friendship simply is. Same goes to my girlfriend who I love dearly, and the rest of my beloved friends. You know who you are. I'm sooo sooo thankful that I have you in my life. I feel blessed that we see friendship eye to eye. Soul to soul.
And I shall quote Joseph Roux:
"What is love? two souls and one flesh; friendship? two bodies and one soul."
For me, this is the quintessential meaning of FRIENDSHIP.
The need for constant togetherness? Maybe in another planet or in another unknown galaxy but NEVER in this lifetime or the next. Yes, we get lonely sometimes, and if our friends aren't there to cheer us up, it doesn't mean that they don't share our sorrows.. even from afar. There will be moments that we would want a warm hug and their presence. And if they can't make it, we'll be sad. We may be disappointed at one point. But one fact will remain, your FRIENDSHIP will shine through despite and inspite of it all. It's not supposed to cease.
There's no reason to be jealous nor selfish. Because if you are that kind of friend, you'd know your place. You are secure. There is trust. If you don't feel that way, a self-assessment may come in handy. Or maybe, you just don't deserve each other.
Never ever mistake forgetting and absence as one and the same. Never ever mistake presence and loyalty as one and the same either.
We don't lose friends because of the scarcity of time that our friend could give us. We lose friends because of betrayal or abandonment perhaps, or maybe through some other well-grounded factors. Well for me betrayal is grave. Then again, getting rid of someone who isn't constantly there when we need them is gradeschool. If that's how you define friendship.. What does that make of you? Would you even want to befriend yourself?Everybody I know said the same thing and reacted the same way as I did. Especially when that person never failed to keep in touch. I don't know why you don't see it like that. I don't see the need to drown something that could float. Or well yeah, maybe, there are just some things that aren't worth saving, considering how shallow the water is.
This isn't for me. I feel blessed that I don't have these kind of people in my life. I wrote this for a friend. And I remember one time she asked me: "Am I a bad friend?" And I will say this in fine print: "The only mistake you did is you allowed people to treat you like you don't know any better. Well, undoubtedly, the dim-witted, would treat you like that. You have a life, live it. Your friends will stay. Regardless."